Like prisons and ethnic enclaves, bars have long possessed their own sub language. Generally employed to confuse and mock outsiders, it also serves as a bond between drinkers--in effect saying, "We are drunks together, let us have another drink, it's your round." While not as complex and broad as the Cockney rhymes bantered around an East End pub, the slang native to American bars has a quirkiness and texture that puts it in a class all its own.
Bar Slang
The Drinks
Black-eyed blond--A pint of Guinness.Pisswater; French-kissing your sister; sex in a canoe; they chill it so you can tell it from urine--Corporate American lager.
Prom date punch--A strong drink in which the taste of alcohol is undetectable.
Premature emasculation, duty before honor--Downing a shot before the round-buyer can offer a toast.
Swimming to Erie--Getting drunk on whiskey.
Training wheels--the lime and salt inexperienced drinkers order with a shot of tequila.
On the cuff; for the cause; tippling on the invisible tab; riding the stolen pony; comped; on the teflon tab--A drink on the house.
Peed in the well; learning to fly; catching an early bus; bouncing on the cement trampoline--Getting 86ed.
Hole in the glass; clogged bottle; short shot; queering the tip; jigger gyp; two-second slip; vapors and water; liquid lie; he weak armed me; he gave it the one-finger.--A weak cocktail or underpoured shot or beer.
The Drunks
Lightweight, One-Shot Shirley; Weekend Willy; three-and- out An inexperienced drinker.Leglock on the barstool; two-shift wonder; hiding from the Anti-Saloon League; all-day sucker--Drinking in the same bar from open to close.
Glue pocket; round gimp; his wallet's fine it's his hand that's broke--Someone whose wallet gets stuck in his pants when it's his turn to buy a round.
Barlot; boozeblonde; tab skimmer; rag sucker; shot vamp--A person who can walk in a bar completely broke and get completely drunk.
Exact Change Charlie; a terrible waste of a barstool; deadwood; stiff; the invisible man; he's saving for a change purse--A bar patron who doesn't tip well.
The Drinking
Priming the pump; greasing the wheel; bribing the border guard; saluting the sergeant; whispering the password; winking at the warden--Overtipping the bartender in hopes he or she will overpour or comp.Water the donkeys; get out of the batting circle; feed the monkeys; take a walk and come back better looking--It's your round.
Death in the afternoon; groping for the second rung; short roll down a tall hill; scared of vampires--Starting early and passing out before nightfall.
Speak to a man about a Cadillac; sing with Elvis; drain the lizard; shake hands with the unemployed--I'm going to the restroom.
Death of the dream; octopus time; the sinking of the HMS Boozer; the clock's running fast, past post-time, the tyranny of time; the broken spoke; does this drink belong to anybody?--Last call.
Boozonics and How To Speak It
Once you've the slang mastered, the next step is to try to gain an understanding of the subtle mechanics of the language. While the uninitiated will think standard American English (perhaps a tad slurred) is being exchanged around him, there is actually an active subtext flowing below the seemingly innocuous words, a hidden language ripe with cunning misdirection and a devilishly shifting sense of over/understatement. For example:
Boozonics: I am not drunk.
English: I am drunk.Boozonics: Hey, buddy! (or babe)
English: I'm too intoxicated to remember your name.Boozonics: You don't remember me, buddy? (or babe)
English: I've forgotten both our names and I am hoping you'll fill me in.Boozonics: I'm just buzzed.
English: I've gone quite out of my mind with liquor.Boozonics: Arousal around.
English: A round of drinks for my friends, please.Boozonics: Yer the mose bootiful gil Iver seen.
English: My present state of intoxication has sufficiently altered my sense of value that I find you vaguely attractive.Boozonics: Oh, I'm sorry, is that your pitcher?
English: I am attempting to shame beer out of you.Boozonics: Weyr ya goin affer dis?
English: Take me home and I'll vomit in your clothes hamper.Boozonics: I've got drinks at my place.
English: There is a warm, flat, half-full 40oz. bottle of malt liquor under my roommate's bed, and a remote chance he may be persuaded into sharing, provided we don't wake him up.Boozonics: I'm going to go to talk with an old friend.
English: I'm going to go vomit in the urinal.Boozonics: I've got to make a call . . .
English: . . . to God on the porcelain phone.Boozonics: Drinking always makes me horny.
English: I'd like another free drink, please.Boozonics: Let's throw him a boot party!
English: Let's escort this gentleman outside and cooperatively do him bodily injury.Boozonics: I'm pretty sure I parked over there.
English: Let us embark on an aimless, hour-long walking tour of this strange neighborhood!Boozonics: Wattsa madder, occifer?
English: I didn't want that stupid driver's license anyway.
The Three Word System
As the night progresses you might find it inconvenient to string those pesky words into meaningful sentences. Fortunately, there is an ingenious three-word system that will not only convince the bartender you're not only in control, but also rather thirsty. The three key words are round, same and usual. For example:Bartender: Where've you been?
Drunk: 'Round.
Bartender:What're you having?
Drunk: Same.
Waitress: What have you been up to?
Drunk: Usual.
Waitress: What would you like?
Drunk: Round.
Friend: How're ya, ya bum?
Drunk: Same.
Friend: What can I buy ya?
Drunk: Usual.
Police Officer: Know what the drunk tank looks like?
Drunk: Round.
Police Officer: No, it's square. C'mon, I'll show ya.
Body Language
Maybe you don't even need to speak at all. With a clever suite of hand and head signals you can get what you want without resorting to an inefficient and potentially humiliating verbal exchange.The Pavlovian Drink Machine
The easiest and most efficient of drink procuring systems, this maneuver's success lay with proper preparation. Seize a seat at the bar, pay for the first drink with a large bill, then leave the change on the bar. When it's time for another round nod at your glass and say, "Just keep them coming," then, this is important, slide over a tip after he extracts the proper amount from your pile of cash. Once the bartender is alerted to the reward aspect of the system you won't have to worry about saying another coherent word, right up until you slide off the stool and start making with your famous crippled garden slug impersonation.The Green Flag
This signal consists of holding a neatly folded high-denomination bill between your index and forefinger, resting your elbow rather smugly on the bar and giving the bartender a thoroughly insulted look, if you deign to look at him at all. This maneuver can be very effective in certain hotel and yuppie bars, and extremely ineffective in certain dives, especially if you don't tip well the first time.The Dying Turtle
Hunkered very low on the barstool, so that your chin rests comfortably on the bar top, cast a pleading eye at the bartender and point your most able finger at your empty glass. Unfortunately this only works if you are an extreme regular in an extremely tolerant dive.
Putting It All Together
Now you're ready to go mingle with the natives! One last bit of advice--just as it is easier to see underwater when your head is underwater, understanding and speaking the drunkard's tongue is much easier when you too are drunk. So don't think of them as double shots of well tequila, think of them as special boozonics interpretation elixirs. Slur on!
I'm staggering home.
